I am a joke

I have absolutely no idea when my deep inner conscience decides to take over me, but whenever it does, I just feel like questioning every god damn thing in the world. Right now I'm not exactly completely negative about life, just in the neutral zone. Right now all the goals and problems had evaporated elsewhere, leaving my bare soul here questioning my existence. I’m loved by my parents and my friends, I have so much to be thankful and happy for. I’m not happy, I’m not okay. I wish I knew what it was that makes me sad, I haven’t got a clue. I guess the problem is, I don’t know what makes me happy either. I’m just there and I don’t want to be. Life is meaningless, we wake up, go to work, go to bed everyday for the rest of our lives and if we were born alone and we die alone.. why should we wait all those years. Why not just do it? 

Just saw my secret being posted on blogsecret, a couple of hours and it already got 53 notes. Not bad huh? Idk why it makes me happy to know that so many people could relate to my circumstances, I guess the main hidden purpose of blogsecret is for everyone to be understood, that's why we human call out to quotations and song lyrics right? It's a good feeling to know somewhere on the face of the earth, someone else is experiencing the same thing. It's a good feeling to know that you're not alone.

"People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don't think that's true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world"
- Kim Culbertson 

Am I being surrounded by the wrong people? Take no offence, I do love Alfred, Regina, and a few other people at college to bits. Though there are a few I ain't sure of, either they confuse me or I just cannot trust them, and I rather not name them, since those names will definitely shock some of you readers, to a certain extend. I'm starting to feel like college is just another sick, liberal version of high school. Well since I am still haunted by the ghosts of past elc.. I do wonder if someday I'd be able to escape from them, if someday I'll be able to go far far away from here. Just seeing them everyday, hanging out with them even, makes me feel sick to the stomach. I asked myself this question a million times, why do you have to do it? To climb up some imaginary social ladder? To feel like you fit in? Or just simply to look cool? I just can't let go of the trauma they caused, by cruelly isolating an individual, by all means. It was hard to be that individual, for a while. Then I got back up on my feet, the trauma faded, but the feeling of not belonging stayed, along with the grudge I held all those years. I can never forgive them, maybe I'm only referring to one person, but she always seems like a plural for some reason, maybe because at some point in life, she has made my life a living hell. And I learned from experience, people just don't change.
But let me appreciate those moments in life where I can completely 100% relax. The stupid skype conversation consists of only insults with Justin. Falling asleep on skype with Alfred snoring at the other end. Venting to Regina about the imaginary melodrama in life. Just pure retardation with Erica. Webcam with Axel and his 10-year-old friend Daniel, etc. 

I want that. So badly.