The end of me.

The rising degree of desperation has led me down the route of google translate as literally my last resort. Without it I wouldn't be able to communicate with my dad at all. Uni fees got me into a hysterical fit the first time I've encountered it, now, it has not lost its power to suck every ounce of oxygen out of my lungs, and throw me into a panic attack. When reality hits, that's when it hurts. The fact that I must not/cannot/will not be able to accept my return to Vietnam after A level, is driving me insane. Sadly though, I'm devastated for the fact that I could now envision myself education-less, job-less homeless, and most importantly, extremely unhappy with my life. The longer that vision lingered in my mind, the more unacceptable and frightening and real it seems. Feeling extremely demotivated from this hopelessness, I've completely wasted my Saturday just laying around in dread. The more research I've covered, the more dread and fright I've experience. The lack of financial resources will be the end of me…

Exams are next week. So stop!

I know I get sad a lot
and for many things, like
sad movies or failed grades,
abandoned dreams
and songs that reminds me of the past.
Stupid things too, like
you, and all the problems I’ve
created for myself in my head.
But lately, what I’ve been
getting sad about most is
myself
the person I used to be and lost
the the person in the present
with no clue about her future.
I know this is an inappropriate time to dig out the corners of my past, reminiscing past relationships and flings. Yet for some reason, maybe a part of me still aches for that lack of closure, but it led me to this. The notes on my phone from a long long time ago. Reading them I felt like an observer reading someone else's writing; it just doesn't feel like me; those old feelings had evaporated into vapour, carried away by fragments of time.
“16th Nov 2011: I miss you, more and more every single fucking second. There is something wrong with me, because I absolutely know you have no feelings for me, They’re gone, like all of my morals. So, I sit here, and try to make up for everything I missed out on with you, but it will happen. I’m always waiting, with my heart on the floor. All I can think about every time we are together is what your lips would feel all over my body."
If you know me well enough, you might be able to figure out who this was about.

I just feel like I will never be able to achieve my dreams, like I’m gonna be stuck extremely unhappy and my parents don’t seem to understand my fear of going back to a society where I don’t belong. 

They don’t know that it’s driving me insane, it’s driving me insane, it’s driving me insane...