I am half agony, half hope.

Someday, all this anxiety about how to score higher, to pass a test, to concentrate in class, to get into a decent college, all of it will seem completely frivolous. Sadly, that someday is not today. Today, I'm a girl on the ledge. Either I pull myself up, or I'd suffer a not so beautiful death. Fuck struggles. It's like  I'm drowning, except I could see everyone around me breathing.
My mum has turned into a complete nightmare ever since she sent me that horrible email that's been haunting me every night. You might assume I'm just making a fuss out of nothing and I don't blame you for not being able to understand. I myself couldn't even elucidate my own emotions and feelings either. Sometimes my mind wanders to the darkest place, one that no light could ever shine through, I often find the ability of the mind quite intractable and abstruse. Or maybe it's just me, disregarding whether it's joy or sorrow, the extremity of it is all that anyone ever notices. But really mum, I don't need an accolade or anything like that, I just need you to cut me some slack, stop torturing me with discursive lectures where I even have to cover my own ears from listening to your acerbic words otherwise I might cry, I promise I will get better, but stop reminding me of my failures, stop pushing your own daughter into a corner because with all the weight you're putting on me right now, it won't take long for me to crumble.
Then there's time when I pulled myself up, usually after a workout, or a long shower, and I thought, hell, I can get through this. If I was able to elevate from not knowing English for shit 4 years ago, to having my Lit teacher telling me how I have a flair for writing and I should never give up, then this is a piece of cake. I can and I will do it. I will get good score in SAT, A level and whatever bullshit requirements I need to accomplish, I will get accepted into an university of my choice, I will be able to emerge myself in a completely new and effulgent environment, nothing will be able to enervate me anymore, I will work hard, play hard and my journey will have a splendid beginning. So bring it, challenge accepted.










Sometimes,
You need to step outside.
Get some air,
and remind yourself
of who you are
and
who you want to be.