It feels really good to be back home. Along with my mum's paranoia about the two Ds I've got, I've suffered constant messages and Vibers from a guy in Saigon. He is honestly relentless, at first it was flattering but after a while with the same content of "I miss you so much who do you miss most from Saigon" I gave up. I mean obviously it's my choice whether to tell him to get the fuck off or to continue suffering this deed but it's not exactly that simple. Basically it's a circle of close friends involving people who are much older and more mature and hell yes they're quite an extraordinary group of people. And I don't wanna mess it up, have a reputation as a heart breaker as it would be, since from now I'll be wandering back to Saigon time to time, it's better to have someone to call when I get there, it's better to know that someone cares, even if it might not be the one you want.
This year I had quite an experience on New Year's eve as well as the whole day of New Year itself. It was beautiful, thrilling, ecstatic, and euphoric. There was a slight trace of fear and dread, also resistance and uncertainty, but only a slight trace, couldn't possibly ruin my stimulating beginning of 2013. I won't brag much about it as I'm sure all of us had a delightful new years, though it doesn't seem like 2013 to me. Should I feel differently?
When given time to think, aging gives me chills. Time's passed by so fast, it's like you never noticed anything changing but when you look back, you're a totally different person. I'm scared, because it's my 18th years of living, the entry to my adulthood, and I don't know whether I would make it out there in the world, or I don't know if I have a choice. Believe it or not, a while ago, whenever I think of the possibilities of me not being able to go to university, the possibilities of me ending up back in Vietnam, the possibilities of having no way out, I comforted myself with the idea of the only way out. It was like I was blanketed in this cloud of suicidal thoughts that whenever a challenge comes along, that choice crosses my mind. It's not like in the movies, there was no point along my life where it suddenly hits me that it's a wrong way of living. It's journey where your thoughts and your personality slowly mature, when you experienced enough to make you realise that it is not the end of the world, and happiness is completely subjective and personal. I learned to bloom when I'm planted. You can't choose where you come from, but you can choose where to go from there.
Comments
Post a Comment