How I felt on January 20th 2014

My heart seems to be everywhere at once. It is in Sydney, it is in Cambodia, and it is here, in the heart of Hoi An. Never have I experienced such agony.The weather in Hoi An took a strange toll this year. Such powerful wind and drizzle came when they sun was still shining. I couldn't find the clouds it was born from; all that cold in all that light and suddenly, I made sense.

It was a beginning, the beginning. I love beginnings because they are so full of promises. The first page of the book, the first kick of a good liquor, the first touch, the first kiss, the first date with a new man. I can feel the muse kisses me on the ears, that my writing in this romance would be divinely inspired. And maybe, just maybe that would be true. Beginnings are magical somehow; i love it because I know there is always more to come. 

I looked at this man for the first time and thought "Devour me, I want you to". He tainted me in a way that fruits reddens the milk during your breakfast. It is nights like this, where the silence is too loud for my thoughts, where his heavy breaths and speedy heartbeats are the only things that calm my fear, that i begin to write. They said the best writing comes from a place of longing. While that seems frivolous and shallow, it is something worth remembering in winter where numbness and apathy feel comfortable.

Only in the tritest of terms could i begin to describe his features. I didn't think he was handsome, not in ways that people usually thought of handsome. His face is kind. But his eyes, they're beautiful. They’re wild, crazy, like some animal peering out of a forest on fire. Closing mine, i could see an immobilized fraction of him, a cinematographic still with the blond down his pinkish limbs that radiate a phenomenon amount of heat. I feel a huge urge to compose a madrigal to the roux lashes of his blue vacant eyes. He so often recreates the impression of my British accent, making me snort with mock derision at his mock wit. And it is so endearing I could almost spot a smile in his eyes. The first time I said "I miss you" it tumbled from my lips like a loose tooth. I forgot to tell him that I'm voracious and quick to attach. Some nights after the sweat cools I'm afraid I'm insatiable and empty and not even he can fill me. Maybe that's the consequences of feeling the joy for being in love, without the actual love itself. Be with me in winter with the grey sky and the crispy cold because the sun will return as it always does. Remind me that nothing lasts. But don't remind me that the same is true for us. Not now.