Your mistakes do not define you

Time to reflect and recapitulate on failures and improvements. Despite how much I wanted A levels to be just an experience, a momentum, evanescent and impermanent, it would stick a bookmark in my life, where numerous routes will be either shut down or opened depends on how the bookmark is stuck. The last few weekends have been a blast, I guess so. I’m not saying they weren’t great, just that unlike these similar outings 2 or 3 years back, I wasn’t rhapsodised, or elated, or jubilant. It was just a neutral feeling, frighteningly reminding me of Blanche’s attempt of escapism by mean of alcohol. This capacious mind of mine is replenished with worries and fear of the future, escalating with time. I hate this sense of uncertainty, on top of all the disappointing trial results.

Math - 90: Not good enough, I was aiming for 100, and trust me, I will not settle for anything less. I know this acerbic tone of mine might anger some of the readers, whom I hope would understand. Math is my security, the place where I seek comfort and fall back on at the end of the day; it’s one of the very reason why I’m choosing to do a math degree later on in University. That’s one thing I am good at, but it wouldn’t matter if I cannot be the best at it.

Chemistry - 71: Improvement, thought I’d score lower since Ms Elaine scared the flying mind out of us by posting how many got A B C D E U. It was cray, 9 people in my class got E, so that possibility did somehow crossed my mind. I know I can do so much better though.

Biology - 72: Major, major disappointment. I literally assured my inner ego that I’ve completely secured an A. After going through my exam paper, realisation struck me how I lack a lot of secured knowledge at certain parts. That could be again fixed. Hopefully.

Literature - 63: I know it’s low but I actually thought I’d failed. The thing is Lit paper 4 was the last paper, and I was exhausted hence I lost all my passion and desire to utter any syllables, let alone recreate pages of words. I just felt sluggish and ineffective, and it completely and utterly reflected through my writing. God that was a horrible paper. Surprised I’ve got quite high for Paper 3, proof that I actually can do this. I don’t think I’m that stupid, honestly. Thank god.

Staying over at Serlie’s today.

Strangely, though I find comfort in solitude, I also find solace in people. I want to be seen, and not to be seen. I guess you could describe me as an introvert by nature, yet an extrovert by desire.