Last night was ecstatic. I’ve forgotten how much I love Changkat. Rootz has lost its glamour in my eyes. Changkat is casual and inexpensive, and you meet so many different kinds of people there, not just the rich and stuck-ups. Met up with a bunch before in Ecky, that was the highlight actually. I miss just sitting and hanging out, without having to get drunk and hysterical. Though as the night progresses, I understand now the destructive nature of desire in A Streetcar Named Desire through my own experience. The reason Blanche bases her life upon illusions is purely because reality was too harsh. The audience could spend days criticising how she deceives people by her dressing and lighting from her real age and appearance, however, who could blame a woman for being insecure when she is thrown in a society where everyone is judged based on their looks. No matter how most guys give excuses for otherwise, they’ll hit on anyone that look good, even if they’re naive, boring, even if they can’t even hold a damn conversation. I’m being hateful, but I’m sick of being the ugly friend. It’s never fucking enough. I’m never smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, hot enough. I’m just not enough. Ever. Times like this, I try my best to disguise my vengeful side with fake laughs and pride; who’d know that deep inside this feeling of not being good enough is torturing my soul? There’s one thing though, I don’t want to be skinny so guys will like me. I want to be skinny so I will like me. Still though, last night I’ve done a pretty good job I suppose. Max was one hell of a sexy guy.
Thank god for last night, Nick came to Bakita in the end. Without him, I wouldn’t have any ideas what to do with an unconscious Serlie. That then brings us to the ridiculous thing ever. I hate this feeling. I know it’s stupid and irrational, but I can’t help it. I hate myself for being over-possessive. He’s not even mine. Yet my stomach just dropped when Gitu told me at this very moment he’s at Susan’s. I think I’ll be ok with most people. But it’s Susan I was wtf about. Whatever, I’ll get over it.
This week of being home alone has turned out pretty great. I’m a whole lot more independent, and a whole lot less scared about moving out. I think I’ll manage it. I think I’ll handle myself.
Quote of the day: “I just wait because I think people will find me. And I’m not the kind of person who will knock on somebody’s door. I wait. If they’re good for me, they will come towards me.”
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