And then what?

Suddenly I just realised that I've never conquered someone completely, I might have had them for a while, but never 100%. Some parts of them would never belong to me. Yet I was born with this strange need for affection, and a more terrible need to give it. The thing is, I’ve been in so many situations where, I'm in the grey patch, it's never black and white, and there is no label for it. I remember when I was 16 and I had this thing with a guy for a few months and I liked him so much, and he did not like me that much. He was really cool; he was beautiful, but he was not that into me. You know, one day you fall for this boy. And he touches you with his fingers. And he burns holes in your skin with his mouth. But for some reason, maybe time, maybe because of other factors, he started calling me a little less, we started talking a little less. And it hurts when I look at him. And it hurts when I don’t. And it feels like someone’s cut me open with a jagged piece of glass. And then I realize I’ve always felt that way. It's pointless to hold on to that thread of hope for much longer but I did, I had dreams of him running back, or just saying a simple hello. But no, our lives moved on, and that's ok because time healed that shallow wound that was scratch merely by physical deficiency and a craving for adventures. And I've learned that I don’t have any time to stay up all night worrying about what someone who doesn’t love me has to say about me.  

It’s weird but I’ve always wanted to be in the spotlight, to get attention, to be adored, ever since I was very little, even though I am as insecure as I am. I remember even when I was a kid I loved to shock people with my looks/clothing - I loved it when they turned on the street. It was kind of an accomplishment for me. To be smarter than the other kids in 1st grade, acting crazy, making people laugh. I still want that, but just in a different way. I want success. I want to be someone, to do something I am proud of and always have dreamed of.. I just have no idea how to get it. I’m afraid I don’t have any talent and it terrifies me to think about the future. What if I never get what I want? That brought me to think.
Have you ever noticed that humans have made it so difficult and complicated to “survive” in this world? It’s a vicious cycle. You go to school, and try really hard, so that you can get into a good college, and then you try really hard at college to get a good job, and then you try really hard at your job, so you can make money. And then your kids do the same thing. And everyone just keeps on doing this and no one even stops to think WHY they’re doing it anymore. Everyone just does it because it’s what you’re supposed to do. And like, before, when the human race had just started, the goal was to just SURVIVE. People just lived. I mean, that’s what really matters, right? Survival. Because after you die, it doesn’t matter what college you went to.

Quote of the day: Every form of happiness is private. Our greatest moments are personal, self-motivated, not to be touched. - Ayn Rand