The joy of not having it all..

As I feel my heart breaking...
Ok well not THAT dramatic but I do feel like someone has punched my in the chest, not boobs. The words slapped me across the face, they shouldn't have, really! They shouldn't even mean a thing to me, wouldn't affect me in anyway. But they did.
He said it so joyfully, so not bothered in so many way. Maybe that was the mask. Maybe inside he did know it would break my heart. Maybe he did know about my feelings all along. Or maybe he didn't.
And I have a few options:

1. I can sit here and get mindfecked with all the "Maybes"
2. Or I can go sit in the corner and cry my eyes out
3. Or I can delete his texts, number, facebook,...
4. Or I can just leave it and move the feck on

The Me 2 years ago would choose option 2. Because simply she felt stuck, like she had no other way. Crying made it feel real, and she could fall asleep after.
The Me 1 year ago would choose option 1. Because she loved over-analysing stuffs, as though it would give her the solutions. It was like going around a circle, you kept following the line, thought you were moving forward, but it only led back to the starting point.
The Me 2 months ago would choose the third option. She thought blocking him out of her life means blocking him out of her mind, but instead it tortured her, it made her suffer worse.


And the Me now chooses the last option. Ok maybe I'm done with over-dramatising everything, maybe I'm done with faking a problem and blowing it up just to make it real. Who's really there to watch the show? No one, no one except my own pathetic self. So I'd better get up and take care of myself before anyone would laugh at the bimbotic drama queen I used to be.

Focusing on doesn't-matter-what-his-name-is, ok so he'll be gone in.. god knows how long, but does it really affect my life? No it doesn't. He might have inspired me for a period of time, but he was never a real part in my life, so why do I care so much? Because of all his attempts to see me again, all his considerate chatting about me, all the ... crap that he fed me.. Though I guess it's really not the time to blame anyone, it's time for me to take the blame, as the only troubled one is this guilty little bitch here. So all those thing must came from my great imagination, it's possible in a way. Don't all girls do that? Twisting guys' actions into something else, something they HOPE the guys really meant. But no, reality must slammed them right down the floor because seriously, no one can live in a dream forever. It's utterly unhealthy for you.

So I woke up, I mean stayed up until 3 this morning, finishing up The Book Of Tomorrow. That book is, only one word, gorgeous. From the beginning to the very end it kept the suspension and opened up to a not-very-happy-but-wow ending. Thank you Kaeshini for your birthday present. It means a lot to me. I should have thanked her properly for everything she's done for me really, but I never really had a chance...

Now is officially 4:20 am and I just walked my mum to the car along with all her luggage. I'm so used to being on my own since my mum usually travels at the frequency of public holidays in Malaysia, jeez such a lazy country. She was gone and back again and when I started getting familiar with her presence she was gone again, just like that. But this time I did felt a sad feeling overcame me, that empty pull inside your heart when you imagine yourself alone, without your loved ones. Yes it feels like that. She'll be gone for 2 weeks from now. Not long I guess, but I have a feeling I'll actually miss her this time. On the step I unintentionally gave her a tighter hug than normal, just wishing her all the best really, cause after all, she's my mother. She's all I truly had, have and will always have. Alright I stop with all the cheesy stuffs since I probably had enough deepness with myself for a decade