My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth

Sometimes I feel like I’m living the best times of my life right now. The moments seem unstoppable and I’m grinning from ear to ear. And then other times I am taken by such a sadness that I feel like my lungs are collapsing in and I won’t be able to take one more step. I begin thinking about every little mistake and I can’t stop. I don’t know how I can feel both extremes so intensely. It sucks realising that you’re kind of a melodramatic queen but acknowledging no way to fix it. That is probably part of the reason why I am unable to prolong a relationship. Maybe the reason wasn’t that I am not enough, maybe I am just too much.
I just want to know if I've ever actually had a genuine connection with anyone. Or if I was just imagining what I thought we all felt for each other. If i just imagined the stolen glances, the lingering touches, the electrifying moments. People tend to avoid me, simply because they think I am “out of their league,” like I exude some form of exclusiveness or something. But really, I just want to talk and get to know people. It gets lonely and frustrating because people assume too much. I don’t want the pedestal people put me on. I just want to feel connected.
Of what I know of the world and it isn’t much, I know things will get better. No matter how depressed I may feel or how much something may hurt, I know it will be better. It has to get better. It has to.
I wish it was all different. I wish i had friends that I loved. I wish I could be the person I want to be. I wish it was different. too bad my wishes don’t come true.
There were intervals in life, when I’ve encountered something that felt special, someone that made me feel alive, a sense of bliss that drowned out all distress. Yet, I was unable to commit. I don’t know why I let them go. I don’t know why I push people away, just to see whether they’d come running back. They didn’t. And of all the times I’ve kept my mouth shut, thinking it was for the best, I’ve wanted with every inch of my heart, to scream out loud: Tell me, just tell me everything. Let me in. Be there for me, be here, be present. Or don’t, because I feel like if I have to ask you to, you might as well not. I feel like these things should come naturally and if they don’t it just seems like our gazes aren’t meeting anymore. Love me. Literally just love me. Because I don’t know if I have a cap on how much I would give you; I honestly think it exceeds I actually can give. So please, love me and pick me up from my knees because if you loved me you couldn’t stare to let me beg. But again, if you’re doing it just because I tell you to, don’t.

The strange thing is, I kept thinking that maybe when I finally get out of this place, everything will be different. Will it? Locations might change, but will I?