I’m here and I’m sad too

I just can’t seem to let go of how much I let myself down during Chemistry practical. These things usually don’t affect me too much, but this time, I am so disappointed in myself that the anxiety still lingered in my sleep.

The panic is building up so fast, and my chain of thoughts are always disordered, cluttered, jumbled. I hate lying to myself, blocking away problems with an illusion that they might disappear, because they’re not going to, they didn’t.

Well truth? Truth is I’m 17, short, fat and has acne. I haven’t had a boyfriend for 3 years and is wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I want to make glorious and perfect love, but the only hot action I’m ever getting is my computer burning my legs. Only if I can be skinnier, so people could look at me in awe and say “Wow you’re lucky”. I don’t think any decent guy has ever liked me; I was never pretty enough, tall enough, skinny enough, or special enough. Almost every guy I’ve been with treated me like garbage and I didn’t know why I put up with it all along. I guess at times, these moments did fill the void of loneliness. Maybe only temperamental, but enough to hinder myself from the truth.
The number of friends I have can now only be counted on one hand, maybe not even that. I don’t think I have anyone anymore. There were people who told me they’d be there, but deep inside, we both knew that it was just an unpremeditated lie spurted out to imbue the awkward silence that was too heavy with emotions. I told myself that no one belongs to anyone these days, that each individual is an island. Still, I don’t know when I've started drifting away from people, maybe since the time when I thought I was better than all of them, but I don’t know. I don’t think I matter to anyone no more, even if I’d disappear today, I don’t think anyone would remember to notice. I don’t know when I started closing my mouth, or stopped smiling, but the large amount of time I spent solely at home is bottling me up. It would be easy to say that I feel invisible; instead, I feel painfully visible, just entirely ignored. Loneliness is a dark place. For me, it’s sitting alone in your room at night and feel like this is eternity. But the truth about loneliness is much more drastic and no matter how lonely I seem to feel, I know, I know that it could have been much worse. I don’t want to be lonely, because loneliness doesn’t just constrict the heart, it also cripples the mind and the soul. I don’t want to die daily, because loneliness is death. It is feeling discarded, unwanted and unloved. It is tragedy, and I must flee from it, flee from it always.
I didn’t want to bother anyone with my problems, so I never spoke to anyone about them. I thought maybe that’s part of growing up, growing apart from other people, but maybe not, maybe I was wrong. I kept telling myself it wouldn’t even matter, it’s not like they’re gonna be much of importance 2 years or so from now. Maybe that’s true, but what about now? The truth is I am frightened, frightened of the loneliness I’m gonna have to face a few months from now. A few months. Only a few months until I’m officially becoming an adult. I’m scared. I don’t know how I am gonna be able to afford university. I just know deep in my heart that I will have to find somewhere I feel a sense of belonging, and that is anywhere but my own hometown. I don’t hate the place. But the inhabitants are still awaiting for an evolution. I can’t live in a society I don’t belong to. My roots have been plugged up and hacked into pieces, drifting somewhere out there in the world by which I am willing to find out. My futures withholds a relentless number of “I don’t know”s and I wish, I wish everything would turn out to be okay again. I wish my dream is attainable, and someday not too far from now, I’ve be able to reach it.