27/01/2023: Winter blues

 Holy shit Toby, I knew you were gonna do something big. 

It's one of those nights where I'm making the round on the few people who have changed my life significantly before Alex arrived. 

Greg is married and settled with someone about my age. Think they got married straight after she graduated uni. I knew he was always the traditional type who wants marriage, house, kid, stable job in Liverpool. Good for him. Seeing him happy did put a smile on my face.

Toby or Tobias is as successful as anyone I know. 2 weeks ago he got promoted to VP at a private equity firm internationally. This is huge. The guy clearly got it carved out for him. 2 years in investment banking and he has been building out a place for himself in private equity. I knew he was gonna do something big. Crazy that I still remember those nights speaking to him about investment banking and life, way before I knew what that really was, way before I started uni.

Romain seems to have either completely deactivated facebook or blocked me. My photos with him no longer tag him. I managed to find him on LinkedIn though. From hotel manager to selling wine, to now cold calling people selling SaaS?! Christ! His profile doesn't even specify which software he's selling. You can safely assume my respect dropped a little at "cold calling". Many things I still wonder. Does he have a partner? Where does he live now? When did he stop calling me his petis bisous?

Reading through the past drafts and posts on this blog. I had the most on how I felt about Romain. Could you blame me? It was the most intense, unexpected, possibly romantic of the 3 relationships. That is if I could call what I had with Toby a relationship. They all did however changed me for the better, really made me grow and challenged me mentally, getting me ready for university. 

Who am I now? I constantly ask myself. Reading back to older posts, I still relate. I am still the same person, feeling intense emotions and wanting to break out of the four walls to start a new chapter of adventure. I am still passionate and ambitious, constantly striving to be productive, to not waste a single moment in time. 

How funny tiny little things change between us and even though at the core, the same fire still burns, but from the outside, it looks like we have gone a thousand miles from who we were. 

I am sat alone in the 1 bedroom apartment I rent with Alex for over 2 years now on a Friday night, reading through the 24 PDFs our solicitor sent through, anxious at when we will be exchanging contract. Yes I am buying a house, albeit with another human being, but it is still a huge deal. My job is going well. Since the migration went live towards the end of last year. I feel like this is a bit of a free-ride. I'm not really doing much day to day but still getting paid weird amount of money. This is the reason why I am not ready to exit uncle D. The offer to permanently work at L is tempting however the visa complication comes into play and progress could may well be non existent. At uncle D I really do feel like I have my ducks in order, at least some of them. In ways I know how to play the game and when to push when it matters, when to take the backseat when it doesn't. What is success anyway? I would identify my life right now as a success. That's all that matters to anyone right? I get premium free gym classes with the company. I get to sauna 3 times a week at least. I can buy whatever I want without having to think twice about budgeting. I am in no debt. My childhood self would be proud.

This year would be the year when I apply for my remaining status in the UK. One step closer to getting more privilege, more rights, more freedom. Something my birthright never gave me. I have had so many dreams about this when I was younger. Only 8 more months. I am explicably nervous and excited at the same time, that even just the thought of it makes my ears hot. Paperwork is a fair trade for freedom in my opinions.

January is one of those months where you experience every feeling on the human spectrum and you just have to go about your day like that isn't happening.