Waldeinsamkeit

I am a raging failure. I haven't settled Mechanics despite the urgency of it and to be honest there is zero ounce of motivation in me. Locking myself in the studies, under my headphones, I tried desperately to drown out the depressing silence that reminded me of this loneliness. Maybe then I could proceed to cry and type in peace.

The house is stacked with dirty glasses and plates, of which I cannot surpass my laziness to touch. Waking up this morning to my mother chirping away about her party last night, where she returned home at 4 am in the morning, too drunk to even open the god damn door, just reminded me of how actually sad my life is. While my mother partied her life away, I was unfortunately stuck at home pigging out on shortbread and hot chocolate. Emotional eating made me feel even more horrible, not only like a failure but a fat and unattractive one. I've procrastinated, way more than I should have. I've wasted so many nights doing god knows what, while studies have always been there, hung up in the air, delayed. I'm unable to focus. I want to reschedule everything, but it's not my place to do so. I feel horrible, guilt-ridden, and sick.